Tuesday, October 1, 2013

fall- not falling.

the season that is. 
circa 2013

happening now. 
that mountain. 
been there. 
up and down and up and down it feels like a ba-gillion times. 
this time was different. so different, on so many levels. 
it was reminiscent of a time that was filled with 
hard work, long days, dirt, dirt roads, cows, cow shit, smells, 
horses, cowboys, spurs, leather, barbwire, cattle trucks, camp fires, 
dogs, rocks, exhaustion, heart, integrity, solitude, trust, simplicity. 
all of those things that are embeded in "that" way of life. 
or so you think.
well, at the end of those long days they were

were, was, has, has been. 
the past. 
the past. 
i could rant and rave on this blog-o-mine as most days i thought i might- 
i wanted to. i so could. but my heart just can't go there and though my road may be dirt
it's held in the highest regard.
someone once told me- when on the high road there's no looking down.
no frowns. 
easier said than done sometimes. 
but let's get focused here. 
it's all clarity to me. 
roped. tied down. branded. shipped.  

it's like watching the tail lights of shipping trucks amidst the dust at dusk. 
though it's something you have raised, nurtured, cared for, looked after, loved- 
just like that- sold. gone. or just sent to the feed yard. 
disregarded. out of sight, out of mind mentality. 
sad- maybe. 
truthful- not mine kind of truth,
but to each his own.

it's a brand that will forever burn, maybe because it means something.
a symbol which at one time had representation
or maybe just because it's a brand-
burned with a hot iron from the fire into the flesh for the world to see.
like a tattoo.  you'd better l.o.v.e it. 
or you'll hate it. 
regret it. 
hold onto the resentment. 

so love it. 
embrace it. 
let it go.

 i can honestly say i never saw my life here or not here.
not that i had it all planned out-
 i have always had a firm belief that i was really never in total control.
we all pretend.

 it was the most beautiful evening turned morning- 
clear, crisp, clean.
a trail ride- ha!
a trail runner- who knew? 
i sure as hell did not. 
but again who knew? 

the kind of morning when everything that surrounds you is taken in. 
coddled. held. close to your heart. 
you're at peace. 
in such a familiar place that feels so close yet so far away. 
 because of haste or hate or maybe just time-
it feels yet so close again-
for so many different reasons.
real or surreal. 
i'll take them both.
release. run. refuel. rejoice.

again- clarity. 
like sun rays through the leaves i basked knowing 
that i now have the capability and the strength to shine.
to choose.
to choose to be happy. 
surround myself with what makes me happy.
with who makes me happy. 
with what speaks to me. 
with what makes me smile. 
with people and places that fulfill me. 

it's not all about me-
actually- right now, 
as unselfish as this can sound- 
yes, why yes, it is. 

it's my second chance at life, at love, at everything in between.

now run-a-long.

 and that little quote sits bedside. 
on the left side of the bed. 
my bed. 
my big bed. 

right- we were running weren't we?
rambling- staying true to this blog has never not been an option. 
i love a good ramble, run on, blah blah blah sentence.
this you know- i know.

and who the hell doesn't love a good selfie?!?
you're lying-
random is one thing we do well on this blog as well-
gosh it feels good to be home.... 
but anyhoo,
when you run your heart out in the middle on no where arizona
who else is there to capture 
that smile.
that peace.
that happy heart.
that moment.
that silliness.
that bad ass shirt. 
that headband?
 thank the hair gods because i forgot a hair tie. 
i now know what it feels like to be that girl 
at the gym that blows out her hair before hand. 
it was confirmation. 

who needs anymore confirmation via selfies than this
happy, healthy, humbled, hopeful mama. 

good news is whether you/i needed it or not
we got it. 

damn selfies. 
they get you everytime. 
capture you as you are. 
most times they may suck-
or just tell the truth. 

a picture speaks 1000 words. 


 and a cattle guard is meant to keep your cows 
from skippin' town and thinkin' the grass is greener.
yea- not so much.
where there is a will there is a way. 
trust me. 

so cynical. 
i know. 

but thankful. so thankful.

 with a new found respect for
heart, integrity, solitude, trust, simplicity.

 just like that 
i found blue skies and wide open spaces
in the middle of just-where-i'm-supposed-to-be arizona.

let's get lost together. 
let's take the dirt road. 
the high one.