Thursday, August 2, 2012

i vaulted.

one year.
my goal was to win the "best blogger ever" medal exactly one year later,
turns out i'm a few days late.
6 days
go figure.

it was never my intention to "peace out" from my digital heart and soul.
it just happened as does life.
 so i rolled with it, as i do life.
i owned it, as if it were my decision.
it wasn't, it just happened.
after a week, then two, then a month and then another,
it became i'm taking a break from the blog
and seems i even missed that one year "deadline" by six days...

as time grew longer and further away from the july 27th bench-mark-of-a-post,
i felt further and further away and a lot less connected.
how could "just another" blog post top the last?
truth is, it didn't have to because nothing ever will.
epic in my book.
because let's face it-
to me, it was a go-down-in-history-kind of blog post.

as i re-read it through tears this morning,
tears completely unrelated to what i was reading on my blog,
i was soaking it in as if i was reading words of wisdom from someone else's blog,
to only realize through the now very blurry screen-

these are your words. this is your life. this is what matters.

crying seems to be frowned upon (no pun) but after a good cry you feel better.
like raising babies, i always let them cry it out.
let's face it, i am a girl and i cry at medal ceremonies for gosh sakes.
i cried some more as i read the last post, and another
and yet another and yet another.


so much has happened in one year i shutter to think of the time spent to be "caught up."
such pressure.
i work well under pressure but i have decided to move forward with where i stand.
my current opinions.
the present.

because after all, my words of wisdom have wisdom.
i read {past tense} and read {present tense} them.

i beat myself up over this- i know it sounds dumb.
i will always push through a blog post.
i will always push through a blog post.
the end.

"the end" is just the beginning.

and so i begin:

as you all know, scottsdale summers can take a toll on ones self
 so many head west, sometimes east.
a coast.
 but ahhh, the west coast.
very close to perfection.

born and raised in a so-cal zip code, you take for granted a lot.
the beach
the horses
the weather
the lush landscapes
the attractions
the beach
the weather
the family

so i found myself more so this year than others, escaping the scottsdale heat.
it's not cool. it's not fun. it's not nice. it's not -
it's kind of fair weather.

nothing more real than wet, squishy, dirty
sand between the toes.
sunshine that makes you smile not sweat.
a vast, huge, ginormous body of water that races up washing
any trace of anything off the shoreline.
speaking to you saying,

"what do you got for me today?"
"that is what you are worried about?"
"c'mon now."

bitter cold waves crash at your feet washing your footprints
and any evidence of your bare feet being firmly planted in the sand, asking yet again,

"what do you got for me today?"
"that is what you are worried about?"
"c'mon now."

insta-ego check that vast body of water can bring.

i like those.
more when it happens to others-
because it sucks when it happens to me.
and it happens.
it should happen to everyone.
all the time.
not everyone is perfect.
there are disappointments in all things life.
but what makes up your life?

you. your family. your beliefs. your morals. your values.
your heart.
your intentions.
your inside.
your opinion.
others perceptions?
how about the side no one sees?
the only one that YOU see when you look in the mirror.

definitely not the freshly photoshopped image of yourself taken by an awesome photographer.
let's get real-
any photographer, any image of yourself.
{ego check}

as i return to the scottsdale heat,
i found myself putting out fires.
before going to bed and waking up.
when it's that hot it makes for a hard day.

it's not all toes in the sand, as it may seem-
desert, city scape, beach, industrial...
my release used to be grab the lens and go,
but the lens has turned into a whole new meaning of work.
which i love and have a great respect and passion for.
it also comes with a great deal of responsibility,
time, creativity, and opinions.

a reality check of sorts for me and why i do what i do.

because i love it.

it's very hard to be in an industry where
there is nothing more personal

than ones self portrait.
one might not like it.

a personal opinion of ones self portrait does not determined
the quality of my photography.

ones self reflection of an image i have taken has no relevance
to me as a person. it is not a personal attack.
it is simply their opinion.
not their opinion of me but of them.

Aperture: to determine depth of field
ISO: to control image noise
Shutter Speed: to manage motion blur

what are your settings set at on your cell phone?

alone, with family, their baby, babies or baby bump.
whatever the stride in life they are in,
they selected me to capture it.
none. not at all.
perfection is what everyone strives for, even me.
but perfection is who you already are according to not just those who love you,
but most importantly, yourself.
your perception of you.
sometime's it's the hardest yet truest of all opinions. 

aside from my personal goal of blogging "one year later"
i needed that voice,
that little dose of non-perfection.
my little 'ol personal opinionated blog-a-roo of mine.
belonging to me.
no business or funny business.
just a quiet moment, heart-felt-me and my opinion.
the real one.
sometimes it's a read-between-the-lines blog post
but more often times than not-
it's not.
ready to share to you and the world as if i had an audience.

so many times this past year i said to myself
"i wish i was blogging" or "i wish i could blog about this."
or i heard from others, which was a knife to the heart,
"i stilllll check your blog" and "why did you stop writing?"
"please start blogging again."

ugh. enough is enough.
jump in and blog already.
so hear or i mean, here i am, admittedly pushed emotionally
and just passed,
that "one year" bench mark post.
a few days late
blogging resumes.

as the sunsets on a fabulous summer season with the lens,
i'm on the brink of a chaotically amazing fall season.
so i too need that ego check
my lens is not flawless.
nor am i.
i could be better at return phone calls and emails responses.
spending more time with the rockstars.
catching up with old friends.

but i dive hard into my work.
i do take it personally.
i just do.
i don't think i would produce such work if i didn't.
so i prepare myself, as should you-
for opinions.
everyone has them.
even me.
i stand iron clad behind my work.
so next time one criticizes oneself in an image.
take a moment to breath.
just be thankful.
you lead a beautiful life,
with a beautiful family,
surrounded with people that love you.

that in itself is one huge, beautiful freakin' image.
i just document it.

i don't know that i have stuck the landing on my vault back into the blogging world,
but i vaulted.
with a whole heart.

to be a wear-your-heart-on your sleeve kind of girl is tough.
but again, real.
as hard as it sometimes may be,
i do.
i always will carry my heart on my sleeve

my torch is lit,
it's hot
and it feels good to be back.
sandy feet and all. 

photo credit:
unedited cell phone