Sunday, June 19, 2011

a father he was not...


before you begin. please scroll down and press play on the playlist.
the music used to start automatically, and for some reason, no longer does.
music has a lot of significance to me and carries through in my blog posts.
especially this one.



i awake for some reason, sit up, throw my hair and all it's glory in a stay-in-put- with
nothing but my twisted up hair bun. sit up in my perfectly turned down bed.
the light from this macbook glows.
my eyes are squinting and adjusting and the only thing i hear is the typing of computers keys.
my mind is running a million miles an hour and i can't type fast enough.

2:40 am i begin to blog.
real. raw and ready to write.
one person on my mind.

my dad.

i have never know a kinder man.
i don't really know where to begin.
he has been there my whole life.
and has loved me through EVERYTHING.
through everything, he still does and will never stop.
i believe he has done his job. right?
what dad's can say that?
my hope is all of them can, but sadly, in too many cases that may not be the case.

he was the first man to love me.
not so profound, we was meant to be my daddy circa may 1980.

i guess i could start with all the childhood memories and times in the past but what speaks to me more is the now, the present. the impact he has had on my life now and the most recent past.
the man is an angel to me.
his voice pierces me like none other. stops me in my tracks.
he says things to me that world may be yelling, but hearing it from him brings me to tears.
sadly, as impactful as it might be for me, i don't always listen.
stupid i know. so stupid. thus is life right?
this is only one of the reasons why i love this man so much:
he never stops. the man never stops.
drives me crazy sometimes. but he never stops.
he never stops loving me.
Ever.

as we get older there may be times we reflect and realize we should have done somethings differently and that the mistakes we have made can only be chalked up now to
BIG-FAT-LIFE-LESSONS.
you can't change them. only embrace them and move forward.
{oh! and don't make them again}
but for some reason if i do-
the confidence knowing he will be riiiiiight there as strong and as impactful as ever.
it's a inspiring, knowing you can love that hard.
not that one should go through life "testing" a love so powerful,
but life is life and sometimes we only think we have control over it
when sometimes we really don't.

control gained.

my dad is my rock.
his eyes are like none i have ever seen. they are a deep hazel brown with a flicker of green,
just a flicker.
even just looking at him dead in the eye brings mine to tear.
I see me grandpa mendez clear as day.
oh, how i wish that man was in my life longer than those short few years.
crazy thing is, even at such a young age i remember things that a 2 year old shouldn't
or you would think couldn't. crazy how meaningful some people are in your life.

eyes.

you can see them in through mine a little, with that flicker of green ignited,
but more than ever through that of my favorite little girl and my favorite little boy.
probably a little more through Lex, but not because any one is "less fave'd."

so as the traits of this amazing man i call dad are passed down through me to them,
i can only hope that the most important trait i have come to know is passed down as well.
his heart.
not just the organ. what's INSIDE the organ.
that strongest muscle in your body.
the one no one can live without.
that voice of reason.
that unconditional love.
that hold you, touch you, hug you trait
that listening ear
that never judge
that always speak the truth
that fight for what's right
that count your blessings
that hold your head high
that hard working
that very emotional but reasonable
that passionate yet firm
that love of lyrics and music
that gentle pride
that home is what and where you make it
that mi casa is su casa
that another round of whiskey
that stubbornness
that attention to detail
that love of animals
that love for the ocean
that little bit of hippy love
that warmth
that sense of compassion
that forgiveness
that
that
that
i could go on for hours, days...
for those lucky enough to know him, know.
even if you have momentarily met him. you feel it.
that love.
that heart.
that "i love you."

that "i love you til the street stops" trait.
{-v.mendez circa 1986}

that trait.

***
i love you dad. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
the love you have shown me through my young life of 31 years has been more than some are shown in a lifetime. i should be able to tell you all this face to face.
but you know we would just cry. we, all four of us, you, mom, jason, and myself are SO passionate yet sometimes it's hard for us to not show it, because we all show it in our own quirky little ways, but express it verbally seems harder for all of us.
well, not you...
flaw?
not really, actions speak VOLUMES over words.
but i needed you to know.
via words. black and white type.
no greys.

you are an amazing dad. you should be so proud of your familia,
because we are so proud of you.
please know, you have more than done your job as a dad.
though we have so much life left to live,
thus far- i wouldn't change a thing. seriously.
{i will speak for jason}
you have taught us to believe in ourselves and press forward no matter what
curve balls are thrown, strive for nothing less than the best.
more than anything the love you have given to us could light up the world.
WE, jason and i, can now show that love to our littles.
it's not anything you can explain or teach- it has to be felt, shown, provided, nurtured.
thank you.

***

tears.

there is no doubt in my mind that i should be better at letting him no all of this,
but if i were to even try, tears, nothing but tears would fall.
tears are flowing down his cheeks now- i know.
knowing he would wipe them from mine leaves me knowing no greater feeling.
regardless what they are full of
happy ones, sad ones, meaningless ones...
it's his hand that wouldn't let them fall.
he wouldn't let me fall.

so on this fathers day, i celebrate mine.




"a "father" he was not to me, but yet a dad he will always be."
-v.gibbs
fathers day 2011









ps.
i firmly believe that behind every good man is a great women.
i love you mom.