Thursday, June 23, 2011

pinkberry goodness: the premier...

pinkberry goodness is calling...
and so we roll~
west coast bound.
to our
little heavenly
padres game with fireworks tonight included
and please oh please don't forget the fro yo-

{last one there is the rotten egg}
and we will run-
laugh, play, giggle, and video.
yes video.
all of it.

swagger wagon is locked and loaded...
precious cargo yet to "strap" in.
the engine should be running but i have to draw some quick vacuum lines
in the carpet and blog this blog before i hit the pavement.

priorities i tell ya-
but to me, it's important.
and that is just fine, with me.

you just walked the red carpet.
you have some swanky shoes on.
you look fabulous.
and you are about to watch the premier of the first ever
epic film from my bliss videos.

don't be jealous. the real cinematographers aren't.

i'm just a girl makin' some home movie memories.

i am excited for you to
embrace, enjoy and embark on this new little adventure i am on...

pinkberry goodness here we come...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

see world...

*music no longer is on auto play.
for full audio effect hit the play button*

san diego we were and are heading back again on friday.
i am working diligently to keep you all caught up on our whereabouts.
i love real time blog posts but for now, blog recaps will have to do.
i have a lot of re-capping to do...

may 27th 2011
it's real.
the real deal.

see world: saga of the lost lens...

i seriously struggle with my lens.
oh how i love that piece of metal.
along with these two babies-
it's my life, my love, my passion, my livelihood.

knowing that...
i struggle with setting it down and just being,
just being a mom.
you know, taking what i call "mom" photos with the
(dare i say it...)
the "camera phone"
but the days of lugging two kiddos around the amusement park
have only just begun
and having that 3rd child that has to be held constantly-
constantly taken care of, gently, 24/7 non stop held in the palm of my hand.
basically the feeling that i no longer have free hands to just enjoy the moment with my loves without constantly snapping pics.
because if it is in the vicinity, i am constantly snapping pics.
gets old.
i said it and that's okay.
it's okay to be free.
it's okay to be in the moment and cherish it for just that.
it's okay to not document everything....

and then this.
are you kidding me?!
miss this?
i will hold that hunk of metal all day long in the blarring hot sun
or walk 5 miles in the snow with it.
overly dramatic
i think not.

and then this:

who needs that hunk of heaviness
when we are picturing and videoing with that handy little cell phone anyhoo?
they, being "sea world" capture your whole day,
all day, every ride, walking through the park,
at the shamu show, etc....
giving you a little ticket
so that at the end of your day you can go claim your memories,
and charge you up the ying yang for priceless "mom" photos.
who's a sucker?
go figure.
sounds like a good living.

but then there are my kinda mom photos....

you put your price on any of that-
try me.
PRICELESS is right.

i would give everything to hold that 3rd child in my hands.
that 3rd child that has to be held constantly-
constantly taken care of, gently, 24/7 non stop held in the palm of my hand.
basically the feeling that i no longer have free hands to just enjoy the moment with my loves without constantly snapping pics,
because if it is in the vicinity, i am constantly snapping pics.

that's right.
i would.

our day was simply full.
full of joy.
full of fun.
full of smiles.
full of fears.
{but then we conquered that ride 3x's IN A ROW!}
fear not- we showed that ride who was boss!

moment to vent:
all caught on video via the cell phone that i can't get to upload to
imovie, you tube or blogger-
god- i hate that dam phone!
they are great, but stuck in my mac.
if i spend anymore time on it- well, i can't...
hours have been wasted. but know they are precious.
full of screams, laughs, giggles,
then i bought a flip cam...


so we survived our day.
3rd child and all.
back to the swagger wagon we drug...
i set the backpack down to get the keys out.
they were somewhere at the bottom
so out came the sweat shirts we took on the hottest day of our stay,
wallets, water bottles, remnants of a picnic lunch, the lens.
the lens.
i didn't want to set in on the ground so i set it on the bumper.
made sure the loves got loaded, leaving stuff scattered around the car.
they were on my mind.
the parking lot was busy and people were coming and going.
i was tired.
wiped really.
we were happy to sit.
"yes, mama?"
"one last pic, we had an amazing day!"
"ok mama!"

shoot this with the ever so faithful phone cam and long arm.
get everyone loaded and "strap" in, as dylan says
and turn the car on.

pick up the randomness around the backpack
and load up.
what a day!

kiddos, backpack, mama.
check, check, check.

homeward bound to nanny and poppy's.
so excited to share our day. we did.
it's now dark, kiddos are in bed and out cold.

"i gotta show you some of these pics!"

backpack bound.
feels light.
that feeling rushes over me.
where is my camera?
no- WHERE is my camera?

freak out mode some call it.
dam right.
tears roll.
arms fling.
dad hugs.

"we will find it."

"no dad, we won't, i left it on my bumper and DROVE AWAY.
i drove away, there is NO way-
and if we do it will be f*cked up!"

elevated cry.

"what the hell am i going to do?!?!
i can't afford to replace it- not now, not with everything else!"

"boo boo's, mija- it's replaceable and there are still good people in this world.
let's hope someone turned it in. karma. you believe in karma.
say a prayer, have faith."

i won't go into a play by play of the rest of the evening but it was not good for me.
we drove to the parking lot late that night as if it would be sitting there saying,

"hi, you left me here. i've been waiting for you to come back and pick up the pieces."

it wasn't.

my night was long. i was curled up with my loves as they slept.
with them so close to me, so happy and sleeping so peaceful,
i cried.
what the hell was i going to do?
i understand that the "piece of metal" is replaceable.
but THAT piece of metal was not.

it has been with me through so much.
sounds so silly but it has become
my best friend, my therapist, my third child, my love.
not replaceable.
i felt so lost.
some of you may not understand, and that's okay...
but for those who do-
understand me.

morning came.
dad and i headed back over at about 9:30 on saturday morning
to the "lost and found" department of sea world.
the saturday of memorial weekend.
bad idea.
it was like interstate 5 in the middle of rush hour
with a crash taking up 3 of the 5 lanes.
you feel me.

we re-route.
breakfast at our favorite, casa guadalajara.
where you don't eat like you are a gym rat.
you just eat- like you are in your grandma mendez' kitchen.
tortillas flyin' and maricahi's playin'.
i tried.
i really did.
but i cried-
and used my camera phone.

lex in tow, we drove back, still crazy but lighter traffic...
amongst the pethera of happy people,
i was not.
a hole in my heart and pit in my stomach.
in the "will call" line i stood.
i must admit-
hopelessly hopeful.
peace in my heart. lex in my arms.
and my dad on the side lines.
whatever will be will be.

i made it to the window.

"how can i help you?"

i choke. hold back the tears.

"umm... i was here yesterday and left my professional canon camera on my bumper and drove away and was wondering if anyone has turned it in?"

so down on myself... what "professional" does that?!?
i wasn't a "professional" that day- just a mom.
doing her job.

"is there anything significant on it that we may be able to determine it is yours
if we do in fact have it?"

my mind races...
did she just ask me that??
my entire heart and soul are all over that camera, can you see that?

not so emtional and as nice as ever i reply,
"umm, there is the tiniest little chip in the uv filter."
{which i have been meaning to replace}

"okay, ma'am, let me check."

lex and i stand there.
my world is still.
my eyes were pierced on that door she went through...
and when she walked back through that door with that 3rd child in her hand my world was complete- again.

lexie jumped and ran over to her poppy
screaming with joy,
"they found it! they had it! they had it- mama's camera!"
they did a little dance.
my dad did the little,
fist to the knee- "YES!" action
i look over at him and smiled.
i gleamed.
my heart was gleaming.
holding back tears.
holding my lex, my lens and my dad holding me.
i shot this just to confirm.

not checking any settings.
i just needed to here that click.

after quick examination
there was no longer a uv filter as it was shattered to pieces, thankfully.
that more than likely, well i know, that is what saved my 24-70mm f/2.8L.
the left corner of the body is where it took the "hit"
and has a few bumps and bruises to show for it.
the "playback" button has been affected
but for now my quick "check the light"
view comes via "slideshow" mode.
i have not had the luxury of letting it go
for minor repairs as this lens has been in high demand.

i am one very lucky girl.
call it karma, call it blessed, call it luck
whatever good energy it is for you...
that's what i was happy to have at that moment.

see world,
there are still good people in this world.

sea world,
i thank you.

to you,
the person who turned in my third child,
my heart and soul, my heavy hunk of metal, my lens
i have no words except,
thank you.
may god bless you.
karma is as karma does.
i am lucky to have you.

"cause we belong together now
forever united here somehow
you got a piece of me
and honestly,
my life, would suck, without you."


Sunday, June 19, 2011

a father he was not...

before you begin. please scroll down and press play on the playlist.
the music used to start automatically, and for some reason, no longer does.
music has a lot of significance to me and carries through in my blog posts.
especially this one.

i awake for some reason, sit up, throw my hair and all it's glory in a stay-in-put- with
nothing but my twisted up hair bun. sit up in my perfectly turned down bed.
the light from this macbook glows.
my eyes are squinting and adjusting and the only thing i hear is the typing of computers keys.
my mind is running a million miles an hour and i can't type fast enough.

2:40 am i begin to blog.
real. raw and ready to write.
one person on my mind.

my dad.

i have never know a kinder man.
i don't really know where to begin.
he has been there my whole life.
and has loved me through EVERYTHING.
through everything, he still does and will never stop.
i believe he has done his job. right?
what dad's can say that?
my hope is all of them can, but sadly, in too many cases that may not be the case.

he was the first man to love me.
not so profound, we was meant to be my daddy circa may 1980.

i guess i could start with all the childhood memories and times in the past but what speaks to me more is the now, the present. the impact he has had on my life now and the most recent past.
the man is an angel to me.
his voice pierces me like none other. stops me in my tracks.
he says things to me that world may be yelling, but hearing it from him brings me to tears.
sadly, as impactful as it might be for me, i don't always listen.
stupid i know. so stupid. thus is life right?
this is only one of the reasons why i love this man so much:
he never stops. the man never stops.
drives me crazy sometimes. but he never stops.
he never stops loving me.

as we get older there may be times we reflect and realize we should have done somethings differently and that the mistakes we have made can only be chalked up now to
you can't change them. only embrace them and move forward.
{oh! and don't make them again}
but for some reason if i do-
the confidence knowing he will be riiiiiight there as strong and as impactful as ever.
it's a inspiring, knowing you can love that hard.
not that one should go through life "testing" a love so powerful,
but life is life and sometimes we only think we have control over it
when sometimes we really don't.

control gained.

my dad is my rock.
his eyes are like none i have ever seen. they are a deep hazel brown with a flicker of green,
just a flicker.
even just looking at him dead in the eye brings mine to tear.
I see me grandpa mendez clear as day.
oh, how i wish that man was in my life longer than those short few years.
crazy thing is, even at such a young age i remember things that a 2 year old shouldn't
or you would think couldn't. crazy how meaningful some people are in your life.


you can see them in through mine a little, with that flicker of green ignited,
but more than ever through that of my favorite little girl and my favorite little boy.
probably a little more through Lex, but not because any one is "less fave'd."

so as the traits of this amazing man i call dad are passed down through me to them,
i can only hope that the most important trait i have come to know is passed down as well.
his heart.
not just the organ. what's INSIDE the organ.
that strongest muscle in your body.
the one no one can live without.
that voice of reason.
that unconditional love.
that hold you, touch you, hug you trait
that listening ear
that never judge
that always speak the truth
that fight for what's right
that count your blessings
that hold your head high
that hard working
that very emotional but reasonable
that passionate yet firm
that love of lyrics and music
that gentle pride
that home is what and where you make it
that mi casa is su casa
that another round of whiskey
that stubbornness
that attention to detail
that love of animals
that love for the ocean
that little bit of hippy love
that warmth
that sense of compassion
that forgiveness
i could go on for hours, days...
for those lucky enough to know him, know.
even if you have momentarily met him. you feel it.
that love.
that heart.
that "i love you."

that "i love you til the street stops" trait.
{-v.mendez circa 1986}

that trait.

i love you dad. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
the love you have shown me through my young life of 31 years has been more than some are shown in a lifetime. i should be able to tell you all this face to face.
but you know we would just cry. we, all four of us, you, mom, jason, and myself are SO passionate yet sometimes it's hard for us to not show it, because we all show it in our own quirky little ways, but express it verbally seems harder for all of us.
well, not you...
not really, actions speak VOLUMES over words.
but i needed you to know.
via words. black and white type.
no greys.

you are an amazing dad. you should be so proud of your familia,
because we are so proud of you.
please know, you have more than done your job as a dad.
though we have so much life left to live,
thus far- i wouldn't change a thing. seriously.
{i will speak for jason}
you have taught us to believe in ourselves and press forward no matter what
curve balls are thrown, strive for nothing less than the best.
more than anything the love you have given to us could light up the world.
WE, jason and i, can now show that love to our littles.
it's not anything you can explain or teach- it has to be felt, shown, provided, nurtured.
thank you.



there is no doubt in my mind that i should be better at letting him no all of this,
but if i were to even try, tears, nothing but tears would fall.
tears are flowing down his cheeks now- i know.
knowing he would wipe them from mine leaves me knowing no greater feeling.
regardless what they are full of
happy ones, sad ones, meaningless ones...
it's his hand that wouldn't let them fall.
he wouldn't let me fall.

so on this fathers day, i celebrate mine.

"a "father" he was not to me, but yet a dad he will always be."
fathers day 2011

i firmly believe that behind every good man is a great women.
i love you mom.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

the sea, you see...

we made it.
we made it before june gloom that is...
seems like as soon as that school bell rang we were headed west.
west coast.
sounds so good but being there is better.
i promise you that.
promise land.

sand between our toes stat.
beach cruisin' days and bundled up nights.

we are free.
we are silly.
we are happy.
we are fulfilled.
we smile.

we love to pack our picnic lunch and have no place to be.
no one to impress.
it's just us.
just the way i like it.

it's amazing what that pull of the tide can do for your soul.
to think i ever moved away from it leaves me speechless sometimes.
who knew? i sure as hell didn't. so young. so dumb.
oh well-
it's a good thing it doesn't move as often as i have.
it's strong, full of life, deep, and a force to be reckoned with.

i dare you.
i wouldn't.
who would?
i didn't.
then again, let's do this.

i lay there and let the sunshine warm me up and the salty sea air whip through my hair,
listen to my loves laugh, squeal, and giggle while
watching the waves rush in as if they have so much to say.
but then quickly and fiercely taking it all back.
a tease of sorts.
but not really, when your toes are grounded firmly in the sand,
you may sink but you stand firm.
you realize instead of the waves taking anything back from you,
you are letting it go...

it's a great feeling.
to over come such a huge hold.

you see, when i see the sea i let it all go...
any stress, holds, pain, fear, unknowns...
gone. washed away.
write all your fears in the sand. i dare you. ha.
even all the things you think you want or need.
i did, within seconds they are gone, washed away.
nothing but you in the moment, in the flesh is left.
(and when i say you, i really mean me)
standing there with all senses awake, strengthened and electrified.
so powerful. what a blessing.
the sea, you see, it's like one big guardian angel that won't let you fall.
AND if you did,
one- it's sand, big whoop
and two-
that big guardian angel washes away any evidence of your fall.
who fell?

so profound that ocean. that guardian angel.
i am so drawn to it. it scares me a little. another move?
who knows. but i will let that tide pull on my heart strings for a while.
no sudden moves like the tide. just a peaceful place for now that i cherish with my loves.
who can't see it on their little faces?
{my toes even look happy!}


for those who may not want to get that deep.
a fear or something silly-
so chalk it up to:

baskin' in the sunshine.
sea breeze
feet firmly planted in the sand
coastal cartwheels
ever so happy kiddos
laughs. loves. light.
perfect little family at a perfect little beach, in a perfect little city.

peace is peace.

“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”